Family
Research has shown that how well people manage a chronic disease is influenced largely by how much support they receive from their families, primarily their spouses. Yet sometimes it feels like the people who should care the most about your welfare seem the least understanding and, well, caring. Instead of treating you with love and compassion, they may act angry or irritated with you. Instead of giving you the help you need, they may expect you do all the things you did when you were healthy. They may suggest your pain is in your head or that you could – and should – “just snap out of it.”
What gives? There could be many reasons family members don’t provide the support you want and need. For one, they may have difficulty admitting there is a problem. It can be hard to admit the spouse or parent who once took care of everything may now need some help from you. Just as you may be grieving the loss of a pain-free life and the ability to the things you once did, they may be grieving the loss of the person you once were. We all grieve differently.
What gives? There could be many reasons family members don’t provide the support you want and need. For one, they may have difficulty admitting there is a problem. It can be hard to admit the spouse or parent who once took care of everything may now need some help from you. Just as you may be grieving the loss of a pain-free life and the ability to the things you once did, they may be grieving the loss of the person you once were. We all grieve differently.
Another is that they may not understand the whole concept of a chronic disease. People are often good at rising to the occasion when a loved one becomes ill, but when a painful illness continues for weeks, months or even years, they may be weary of helping or even question the illness’ validity. While they may want to help you, they may become focused on how your illness affects them – perhaps including more responsibility and financial pressures.
Another reason family members don’t give you the help you need is that you simply don’t ask. While your needs may be obvious to you, they may not be obvious to your family. They may want to help you, but assume you will ask if you need it.
Another reason family members don’t give you the help you need is that you simply don’t ask. While your needs may be obvious to you, they may not be obvious to your family. They may want to help you, but assume you will ask if you need it.
Here are some tips for getting the support you need:
Educate ThemIf your family members have trouble understanding your condition and how it affects you, educate them.
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Inform ThemFind a way to let your family know what you need. For some families, simply asking works best.
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Reward ThemWhen your spouse gives you a spontaneous back rub – just when you needed it – or the kids run a load a laundry or clean up the kitchen without being asked, remember to praise their thoughtfulness.
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Seek CounselingComing to grips with a chronic disease is difficult for all involved. Living with daily pain can test even the happiest and healthiest relationships
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